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[Nov. 25th, 2005|08:50 pm] |
I guess this is what happens when you expose yourself to people.
There's a reason why I don't use names when I write my entries, the very rare times I write them. And it's only because I know that if I let people know who I was writing about, it would be utterly pointless and just start more problems then I need right now.
I was thinking today, about how much I miss everything. All the things we had, or that we didn't have I guess. And how much I miss just being able to live. I know it probably sounds stupid, but now I'm just scared of what's going to come next. What's going to happen in my life next. THe next person that's goig to come along and do this to me. Because to be honest; I would rather spend my life, having you do this to me over and over again, then live trusting so many people, only to have each and every single one of them let me down. You were amazing to me. Through all the heart break, and the words that probably shouldn't have been said. And things I should never have felt. You were still amazing.
I wish I could just start over. Just be your friend. But part of me believes that is going to be completely impossible. I wanted to love you, I did love you. I wanted you to love me, but for some reason.. you couldn't. I tried. I put my best foot forward. I tried to show you that I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't going to let you down. I wasn't going to love you then leave. I wasn't going to treat you like you mattered one minute then pretend you didn't exsist the next. You never treated me that way, right? But then in the end.. all the ways you treated me were so wrong..
I didn't deserve being ignored all the times you ignored me. And when you told me that when I felt like talking, just to call you;; I actually believed you meant it. So I tried, day in and day out to make it known that I loved you. I'd leave you little messages on your phone, trying to explain HOW MUCH i loved you, but you never got it. Or else you just didn't want to.
I don't know if it's that you don't know how to love, or that you're afraid to love. I don't know if it's that you didn't want me, or that you didn't know what to do with me after you had me. I don't know what any of it was in the end. I thought I had it all figured out. For a long time. I thought I had you figured out. I mean, I still know that you're not open with how you feel. And I think you just tend to like to tell people what they want to hear, because you like to make everyone happy. But like the last conversation you and I had; before I got mad at you and was informed never to talk to you again.. you told me that you had tried for so long to make everyone happy; and you realized.. it would never work. And you always said that no matter what you said, it just wasn't good enough. But even the slightest thing you said had this way of making the light shine on a cloudy day. Even the dumbest things always made me smile, because it was you. Something about you always kept me at my best, no matter if I was even at my worst.
I know I loved you. Truthfully, and fully. I never lied, or cheated on the love I had for you. I couldn't cheat ON YOU because, how was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to cheat on something I didn't have? And I tried to keep you but also;; how was I supposed to keep something I never had?
Because I never had you.
I never had your love, your trust, your friendship.. any of it. I was just another someone to love you, but you refused to love me; because you were scared. I know you were. I don't know what you were scared of though. But I could've promised you the world, and you would never have believed me. But I gave you my heart blindly, and I trusted you with everything I had..
and now all that matters is that I can't trust you anymore. No matter how much I wish I could. I want to hate you; but hating you is seeming so much harder then loving you.
Last night, Robby wanted me to read him a story. And all I could think of was you. It's sad because, Robby asked me the other day if I was only with him as something to replace you. To move on, and move up. and I try to tell myself that's not it. Because I do like Robby. He's awesome, he's amazing, and he's sweet. He gives me so much more attention then you ever did. And it seems like this time might actually be reall.. but I know deep down that what he thinks it is, that's exactly what this is...
He was something to try and forget about you, but it's not working. I laid there, not talking, all night last ight. Because all I can do is think about you. And I tell everyone it doesn't hurt; and that it's not getting to me. Because I don't WANT it to get to me. I just want to forget you. I want to forget everything you said, all the things your promised me that turned out to be one big fat fucking lie; But it does hurt. I tell evberyone that I think it's because I didn't really love you. But I know I did love you. And I still love you. I probably will always love you for who you were. Not what you turned into. Because I wish I didn't know the boy you turned into. Because I don't understand why you had to change so rapidly and soon on me, especially when I needed you the most. When everything fell apart, I wanted you to be there;; but you didn't even want to be there in the only way that you possibly could..
It's like, you stopped listening to the moment that i needed you the most; and I couldn't even tell you that.. because you didn't want to hear it..
And I cracked at you so many times. Lost my temper. Yelled at you. Called you names I probably shouldn't have. Had people bitch at you that I shouldn't have. But I didn't know what else to do. My heart was breaking, and I didn't know how to stop it. Just stop caring? That was impossible. Just stop wanting you? That was even more impossible. Just stop exsisting? I really wish I could, especially right now..
I just wish I could take back every little thing. And never have loved you. Never had cared. But I know that I can't, no matter how much I wish I could.
And to be honest, if I could. I don't think I really ever would..
YOu mean to much too me. And the memories of the good stuff is what I keep; not the bad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|12:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Hope You Die // The Bloodhound Gang | ] |
This is what I call a majorly fucked up world.
I promise you, I'll never speak the words "I love you" like I did again.
They wont feel the same, be the same, or ever come out the same.
I don't even know if my heart can actually love anyone anymore, just based apon the fact that people have bashed the meaning of it time and time again.
I'm sorry that when you told me you loved me, and you wanted to be with me, that the love you felt for me wasn't just like something from a movie, something that a boyfriend and a girlfriend say because they have to, that you wanted to be with me and spend every day with me "wether they be good or bad". I'm sorry that I took that for what it was. I'm sorry that I thought you were actually in love with me, because you even said it yourself. You told me if not once, a million times. You loved me, you were in love with me.
I took that the wrong way, even though I was never actually sure there was a wrong way to take it, but I guess if there was; that's the way I took it.
And I'm pretty sure that there's almost no getting over you; even though I'm damned to find a way. Because I'm sick of always thinking about you. Always wondering what I did wrong, what about me seemed to be okay for you to treat me like shit, fuck me over, and then act like it was all nothing big. Because feelings are feelings, everyone has them. and everyone's just as fragile or more...
Will it take you getting hurt in the way that you hurt me for you to see that it's not right to do something like this to people? I'm not really sure. I wish I could ask and get all the answers, and you could tell me what I did; or who I wasn't that you wanted, or who I was that you didn't want. What about me wasn't good enough, what about me didn't strike your intrest.
You told me you loved me.
Love has one meaning, and one meaning only.
It has different forms, I will admitt that. Probably more then Icould ever try and list.
But in the end, they all mean the same thing.
Love revolves around trust, and companionship, and honesty..
And you were never truthful, honest, or caring to my feelings..
and now I know, you never loved me.
All the times I cared about you. LIstened to you cry about your pathetic life, your pathetic problems and I ACTUALLY felt sorry for you..
Forgive me for that, will you?
Because all you deserve is a swiff kick in the face, and a dive off a fucking diving board into a 2 ft. deep pool.
I thought hard last night, about all the things I could say just to get you to say that you forgave me for what I did to you. For what I said to you. The way I treated you. But then I took a look in the mirror and I decided, you weren't worth it anymore.. and when push comes to shove.. you never ever were worth it. You might've thought you were. You might've actually believed you were the most amazing person on the planet, and if you still believe that;; take your head out of your ass, please?
Now, I'm not going to deny that you gave me one of those feelings that I never ever once believed I could actually feel, and you made me feel like there was actually something there worth keeping it together for.. but then I realized. THe only person I'll ever had, or ever beable to count on in the end is me. Everyone else will fuck you over when the time is right, or when they feel they don't need you anymore; and I'm always just stuck with myself.
I can be stuck with you if I make myself; worry about you all the time, think of all the obscene reasons why I was the fuck up, when in reality.. it was you.
but I'm not stuck with you, or with anyone else who'll come along and try to treat me the way you did.
And I guess all I have to say is..
Thank you for showing me what it's like to be hurt, to love and not be loved in return, and to walked all over.
Because in that, you taught me how to be stronger.
Thank you very much [: |
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